Blogging Tales of the Cocktail: Essential Guide to American Whiskey

Le Mixeur, as mentioned previously, is proud participant in the Blogging Tales of the Cocktail project. Our first contribution is now on display at the Tales blog site. But for your added reading convenience, we have enclosed it below...

Those perusing this year’s list of events at TotC have likely made note of the provocative pairing of Gary Regan and LeNell Smothers as hosts of the “Essential Guide to American Whiskey.”

Those for whom self-preservation and self-dignity are concerns have undoubtedly taken steps to steer clear of this combustible and potentially illegal event.

Those desiring to gain some insight into what to expect from Mr. Regan’s and Ms Smothers’ presentation are advised to view the final scenes of Peter Brooks’ “Marat/Sade.” It will certainly not be the first time the two transformed an otherwise respectable conference facility into their own personal Charenton Asylum.

While anarchy will certainly rule the day, I nonetheless performed my journalistic duty in approaching the presenters, seeking some insight as to what the “plan” might be. Being the true gentleman that he is, Mr. Regan was quick to respond, as such:

“Lenell. This guy sounds like a complete bastard to me. Let’s stay well away from him.”

What ensued was essentially a game of psychological Three Card Monte in which I was the intended mark. One can easily understand the presenters’ reticence to reveal details of their intentions, as this has in the past allowed local law enforcement officials to quash their uprisings before they gained momentum.

However, as my sworn duty to the Tales Blog project, I remained determined to reveal the truth. After analyzing our correspondence documents for 72 consecutive hours, I believe I have cultivated a precise list of what to expect and what not to expect.

DO NOT expect: to be entertained by the wit and banter of the presenters as you sample various whiskeys and learn to make cocktails out of them.

DO expect: lewd and indecent sexual acts performed under at least one of the conference tables.

DO NOT expect: a guided tasting of three bourbons, one wheat whiskey, and one rye, plus use of another wheat whiskey in self-creating a certain beloved mixed drink.

DO expect: excessive peer pressure, applied by the presenters, to shoot copious quantities of straight rye until certain erogenous areas of the body have their interests piqued, as the presenters leer.

DO NOT expect: an illuminating review of common whiskey terms and the opportunity to ask questions directly to some of the world’s foremost experts on the subject.

DO expect: some sort of unseemly parlor trick involving candle wax to be performed.

DO NOT expect: a spirited and informative discussion on the history of American whiskeys – including bourbon, rye, wheat, and corn – from its earliest days to modern experimental techniques.

DO expect: a crude and juvenile debate on whether a “bigger whiskey is a better whiskey…” or if “it’s really about a lengthy finish…and mouthfeel.”

Essential Guide to American Whiskey, presented by Malt Advocate Magazine and the Whiskeys of Heaven Hill, will occur on Friday, July 18 from 4:30 - 6pm at the Hotel Monteleone. Tickets may be purchased here.

Hotel security and NOPD have been alerted.