Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hellboy Was My Barback

A few months ago, a teacher named T.Mixeur undertook the project of taking a student under his wings. The purpose was to develop a barback to assist with the increasing demands of Le Mixeur. But more than that, it was a new and bold spiritual journey. The student and barback-to-be was a young man known as Anung un Rama in his village of Grigori Rasputin's Lab, but to the Mixeurs he was known simply as, "Hellboy."





Successful training of a barback must be based upon a bedrock composed of research, techniques, and historical appreciation of bar culture. The first point to observe in training the barback is to build up character, bringing to light the subtler faculties of prudence, intelligence and dialectics...




Philosophy and literature form the chief part of the student's intellectual training; but even in the pursuit of these, it is not objective truth that he strives after—literature is pursued mainly as a pastime, and philosophy as a practical aid in the formation of character...




And there is only so long that the barback pursuit can remain cerebral. At some point the intellectual principles that have been absorbed must be put into action, so the union of mind body and soul can begin to transpire...




By maintaining discipline and utmost focus, the barback avoids being robbed by the egotistic, conventional mind, allowing the fundamental mind to - uh-oh.



Vous idiot! Je ne peux pas l'acheter dans cet état! Trou du cul!
(You idiot! I cannot buy that in this state! Asshole!)




It is essential that the teacher witness the student without judgment or comment. When one task proves to be too difficult, the teacher must effortlessly shift the student's energies to another. In this case, muddling...




Gasp!




Imbécile! Ce n'est ni technique appropriée, ni sanitaire!
(Fool! That is neither proper technique nor sanitary!)




Que faites-vous maintenant ? C'est juste dégoûtant! Ce n'est aucune façon de remuer une boisson!
(What are you doing now? That's just disgusting! That's no way to stir a drink!)




When the teacher reaches a point where he or she realizes the student is no longer in a receptive state to learning, it is important that the teacher not press on in vain. This point is a prudent time for the teacher to take a walk, clear the mind, and possibly visit a liquor store and/or bar.

Hellboy, meanwhile, stirred some cocktails and invited a lady friend over...



Laid on the charm...



Did VERY well...



Scored.



Yet when his lady friend excused herself to the restroom to freshen up, the untrained, undisciplined mind of Hellboy lead him astray. Unable to calm the mind, his urge for excitement betrayed him. He began to drink...



And drink...




And drink...





And so...




The teacher returned home, and upon finding Hellboy in such a state, did some serious soul searching...



And re-assessed the approach he had been taking with his student...



And somewhere in the doldrums of their mutual inebriation, things went terribly, terribly wrong...





They both were stunned as they realized that certain boundaries had been violated...



And certain sacred places had been defiled...



And this was the last the teacher ever saw of his barback Hellboy....



(Pourquoi toujours de telles histoires tristes ? Oh bien!)

Ta-Ta!

T.Mixeur

10 comments:

Anita (Married... with dinner) said...

I'm having flashbacks to the South Park movie, for some reason.

T. Mixeur said...

Well, they don't call me Ted "Hussein" Munat for nothing!

Massimo La Rocca said...

ha ha ha the story is amazing!!
Congratulations

Max from Rome

http://maxologist.blogspot.com

Rockdoggydog said...

Best morning coffee read ever!

Anu Apte said...

You crack me up.

Jay Hepburn said...

Hilarious Ted! I think this one even eclipses the St. Germain photo story...

T. Mixeur said...

Thanks everyone. I thought this post might either make people laugh or make people decide NEVER TO READ THIS BLOG AGAIN...I suppose it could do both...

David Flood said...

Riotous. Echoes of stand-up Woody Allen (the Moose). Made my day dude.

T. Mixeur said...

David Flood! Glad someone caught the Woody reference. I can't legally publish the photos of my night with the Berkowitz's!

Anonymous said...

that was terrible, just awful.