Wednesday, April 21, 2010

HOW BARS THAT ARE GOOD DON'T LET YOU GET AWAY FROM PEOPLE



This evening T.Mixeur is proud to introduce a new era in Le Mixeurtonia, an era of democracy, free speech, equality, and a level of blinding stupidity sure to alienate the remaining 6 readers of this blog. That's right, dearlings, welcome to the era of Le Mixeur Audience Participation!

LE MIXEUR PARTICIPATION D'AUDITOIRE!!!

Today's blog topic comes from audience member Ben Y, or as we like to call him around town, “Sir Yawtz-A-Lot.” Sir Yawtz-A-Lot has embraced Le Mixeur's heroic vicissitude with a prompt injection of something completely surreal. Sir Yawtz-A-Lot has requested that T.Mixeur write on the topic “how bars that are good don't let you get away from people.” Before we commence with this, let us all take a moment to compliment Sir Yawtz-A-Lot on his creation of a near-complete sentence...

Now on with the blog!

As is the case with all posts on this blog, extensive research went into presenting the reader with a thorough and comprehensive report on the topic at hand. The topic, of course, being “how bars that are good don't let you get away from people.”

(editor's note: if anyone out there has any idea what Sir Yawtz-A-Lot is talking about, please contact us immediately)

The first step in this research was to meet with owners and bar managers of the bars that are good, and ask them the question directly. First on the list, Anu Apte, owner of Rob Roy in Seattle.

T.Mixeur: So Anu, you are owner of Rob Roy, one of the bars that are good. At Rob Roy, how do you don't let you get away from people?

Anu Apte: Well C.McClure, at Rob Roy, when we have a customer displaying a tendency to you get away from people, we don't let him or her. How do we don't let him or her? Well, sometimes we'll carve an ice ball, and he or she will lose the will to you get away from people. If that doesn't work, we might offer him or her a Sazerac, and say to him or her “hey him or her, don't you get away from people! We make you Sazerac and carve ice ball! If you still try to you get away from people, we don't let you!”

T.Mixeur: And I understand the statement you just made - hey him or her, don't you get away from people, we make you Sazerac and carve ice ball, if you still try to you get away from people, we don't let you – has become the official slogan of Rob Roy?

Anu Apte: That is correct. It is printed on the marquee of our establishment and is also viewable on our Citysearch and Yelp pages.




Next, T.Mixeur spoke with Andrew Bohrer of Mistral Kitchen about how he, Mr. Dipsographer o' Cask Strength himself, helps his bar that are good don't let you get away from people.

T.Mixeur: So Anu, you are owner of Rob Roy, one of the bars that are good. At Rob Roy, how do you don't let you get away from people?

Andrew Bohrer: I'm not Anu and I'm not owner of Rob Roy.

T.Mixeur: Can I quote you on that?

Andrew Bohrer: Listen fucker, don't try to make me feel bad about not being Anu or owner of Rob Roy. I'm past that. I'm bar manager at Mistral Kitchen, one of the bars that are good. No one can take that away from me.

T.Mixeur: Ha! I just took it!

Andrew Bohrer: Give it back!

T.Mixeur: No!

Andrew Bohrer: Yes!

T.Mixeur: no no no no no no no...

Andrew Bohrer: yes yes yes yes yes yes yes...

T.Mixeur: no no no no no no oh OK!!! Take it back!

Andrew Bohrer: Ha! In Your FACE G.Miclo!

T.Mixeur: So Anu, you are owner of Rob Roy, one of the bars that are good. At Rob Roy, how do you don't let you get away from people?

Andrew Bohrer: That's it mother fucker!!!

(skirmish ensues)

Next, we met with the man, the myth, the legend, the guy who makes lots of wicked freaking good drinks at the Zig Zag Cafe...Murray Stenson.

T.Mixeur: Murray, Andrew Bohrer is a vicious little fucker and he broke my nose.

Murray Stenson: Word up!

T.Mixeur: So Murray, you are man myth legend GWM lots of wicked FGD at Zig Zag, one of the bars that are good. At Zig Zag, how do you don't let you get away from people?

Murray Stenson: Hey Phil! How are you? Can I get you another root beer?

T.Mixeur: My name is not Phil and I do not want a root beer. I want to know how your bar that are good don't let you get away from people.

Murray Stenson: If you make it to Range while you're in San Francisco, tell them Murray sent you!

T.Mixeur: I'm not going to fucking San Francisco mother fucker! And they already know me at Range!! Stop fucking with me!

Murray Stenson: Jiggering is for sissies!

T.Mixeur: I jigger! That's it old man! Let's go!!!

(skirmish ensues)

(Editor's Note: It was later revealed to us that Murray's internal automato-barkeep program had a malfunctioning hard drive, causing everyone's favorite Bartendodroid to generate responses randomly rather than appropriately. We deeply regret any damage done to any products of the Automato-Barkeep Multinational Corporation, assure their legal staff that no such future instances shall occur, and will readily relieve T.Mixeur of his reporter's duties should any written demands of such nature come forthwith.)

SUMMARY

From our panel of experts has come precious jewels of wisdom. Clearly, the ways bars that are good don't let you get away from people are to carve ice balls, make sazeracs, speak in broken English, break reporter's noses, and have androids for bartenders who are backed by multinational corporations who have teams of lawyers who are vicious little fuckers.

Sir Yawtz-A-Lot, thank you again for your brilliant idea for a topic. We sincerely hope you have been entertained and informed by this response, and we would like to graciously invite you to have no further relationship with this blog whatsoever.

If you work in a bar that are good and have your own ways of don't let you get away from people, or if you are a him or her who like to get away from people and you have been to a bar that don't let you, we at Le Mixeur would love to hear from you! Please come to us at Le Mixeur, because we are a blog that are good and we don't want you to get away from people! If you don't believe us, just read the subtitle of our blog that are good! Seriously, look up at the top of the page. It's right there in black and white.

Le gra,
T.Mixeur

2 comments:

David Shenaut said...

Kind Sir,
Please post said review for me (one dumb reader) to review. I do not wish to sift through the crap to find the crap you reference. Thank you and Stigibeu

T. Mixeur said...

Dear Monsieur Shenaut,

What review, pray tell, are you talking about? You have stumped me I must admit.