Mixology Monday: Plaisirs coupables!

Mixology Monday
, hosted by Stevi Deter at Two at the Most, this month focuses on the subject of "Guilty Pleasures."

First let me say that I have always had a different attitude about guilty pleasures than most. I have always figured that something that brings me pleasure, and in no way harms anyone or anything else, is a guilt-free pursuit. Therefore, you may snicker all you please at my simple joys in life...my conscience is clean!

That said, there are a few guilty pleasures I would like to share (Mom, if you're reading, stop now):

1) When I was 19, I slept with my best friend's girlfriend on the halfway line of a soccer field. That was a goodly dash of pleasure, followed by a whopping jigger of guilt.

2) Once, during an extremely difficult time in my life, I...bombed an orphanage...please, ne moi jugez pas!

And so, there you have it. My guilty pleasures. Thank you for reading!


(editor's note: uhhh...you haven't actually mentioned cocktails yet.)

Ah yes, of course. Let me tell you about my time at the Evergreen State College...

Bear in mind that none of these tales are sources of guilt for me. In fact, I radiate with pride over these accomplishments. They brought a lot of joy to a lot of people...most of them underage.

In the year 2000, I found myself re-enrolled in college, studying 1st Amendment Law under the guidance of the inimitable Jose Gomez, former legal advisor to Cesar Chavez and currently employing the Socratic teaching method at Evergreen State. I also found myself living in an on-campus apartment with five randomly assigned males ranging in age from 19 to 22. Both aspects of the experience were to have significant cultural impact upon my life.

Things really got started when, on one drizzly winter's eve, a knock came at our door, and we found ourselves being paid a visit by Paula Fallen Star Nicole Jenkins. She introduced herself, explained that she was one of the five women living in the apartment next door to us, and also informed us that they were in possession of copious quantities of booze, and would like us to come over some time and consume it.

We calmly thanked her for the offering, assured her we would take her up on the generous offer sometime in the future, and bid her adieu.

Upon shutting the door, what ensued was one of the all-time most frenzied flying chest bump sessions in human history. What lucky star was it shining down upon us that fated, feted eve? An apartment full of women, located 3 feet away, stocked to the gills with booze, had opened its doors to us. God is good.

Having figured we'd played it cool long enough, we headed over to their apartment about 4 1/2 minutes later. As it turns out, some of the women living there were friends with a group of soldiers stationed at Fort Lewis. The "army boys" as we would all come to call them, would stock their car up with discounted liquor from the Base Exchange, bring it as offering to the women, and leave the leftovers behind. Even better! Spirits taste sweetest when furnished by the United States Military. It's what's known as equitable re-appropriation of the federal budget.

Mostly what was in stock was rum - Bacardi, Castillo, Potters, Malibu...all the best stuff.

While taking shots of rot gut rum can be loads of fun, eventually one comes to crave a mixed drink to change things up. A quick scan of the kitchen cabinets revealed a Costco-sized container of Tang mix. Moments later saw the birth of the now legendary cocktail, "The Rummatang!"


Fill plastic tumbler with ice
fill halfway with rum
top with Tang
umm...I guess you could stir it.
(Amyl Nitrate garnish optional)

As nicely balanced a drink as the Rummatang! is, it lacks somewhat in complexity, and thus becomes somewhat redundant after consuming 7-8 per night every night for a month. So one can imagine T.Mixeur's delight when discovering a new jar of powder in the women's cabinet, generic lemonade!


Fill plastic tumbler with ice
fill halfway with rum
top with Lemonade
Yeah, you probably should stir it, or just dump the whole thing into another tumbler, preferably a clean one, but, you know, work with what you got.

This drink addresses an entirely different area of the palette, an area commonly known in cocktail and foodie circles as the "Yellow Number 5 Area." It is strong in its effervescence, much more so than the Rummatang!, but it's a bit too much in one direction, at least in its ability to stand up to repeated consumption, and repeated consumption..,.and repeated consumption.

And then, the solution occurred to me. There would need to be a combination of the previous two drinks...


Fill plastic tumbler with ice
fill halfway with rum
fill to 3/4 full with Lemonade
top with Tang
hold drink up, wave it around wildly, proclaiming your genius to everyone in the room - the drink will become properly mixed in the process.

The Rummalemmotang! is sheer cocktail perfection. The lemonade's Glycerol Ester Of Wood Rosin gets into a delightful interplay with the Xanthan and Cellulose gums in the Tang, and oh baby...they do the dance. Yes they do.

Before I leave you, I must add one more creation from this period of my life. This one is perfect for a road trip, particularly one that culminates with everyone's favorite pastime: drinking in public with underage women! Yes!

Suntan Lotion

1 20 oz bottle lemon lime soda (I used Sierra Mist)
Malibu Rum
A car with poor suspension and shock absorbers made using springs from an old Murphy bed (I used a 1977 Plymouth Trail Duster).
60 miles of winding, hilly roads (I used State Route 108)

Drink or pour out half the contents of the lemon lime soda
fill with Malibu
place bottle in "way-back" of car on its side, to ensure it will roll around.
drive to your destination.
find remote spot, such as the tall reeds growing near the pacific coast shoreline.

And there you have it, my not-so-guilty pleasures.

(Editor's note: Le Mixeur in no way condones the recreational use of Amyl Nitrate or other pharmaceuticals, particularly those taken illegally from a United States Military hospital. Nor do we condone the consumption of alcohol in public, particularly with underage women...however, we wish to stress that we in no way feel guilty for the times this practice, accidentally and without premeditation on our part, occurred in the past. What's done is done. You can't change the past...hey! stop looking at me like that! Oh like you're so perfect and never did anything slightly immoral or illegal! Judge not lest ye be judged! Let he who is without sin cast...something something something...

Again, we acknowledge no guilt or shame regarding any of these matters. We maintain clean conscience, not to mention moral high ground. Thank you.)


Anonymous said…
My mouth waters just thinking about the delicious rummalemmotang and I am having a flashback of my 18th year of life. I am going to have to go buy some tang since you cannot order one of these special masterpieces in any bar. Seriously, all mixologists should have a private stash of tang handy.

I have no guilt from these pleasures... although the 151 night was kind of wrong.
T. Mixeur said…
Heh heh, she's just kidding folks. My very close friend "Anonymous" was 21 at the time.

And hey, anonymous, the 151 night (which I was not around for, by the way - in Seattle seeing IQU and Mouse on Mars at I Spy - if you don't believe me just ask Michiko Swiggs to show you her restraining order)wasn't so bad. After all, you did fall over just in time to not be hit by the chair Mark threw across the room...God is good.
Anonymous said…
Yes I feel very fortunate that various levels of intoxication saved me from being slammed from a great number of random living room furniture being hurdled across the room... a glass table perhaps. some close calls but god was good enough to provide mass quantities of booze (and delicious mixers like tang and powdered lemonade mix) to thirsty college students which seemed to act as a protective barrier from furniture that grew wings.
T. Mixeur said…
You know, it's a bit ironic that on the post about guilty pleasures you're remaining "anonymous." And the glass table comment was a low blow! I only did that once, and it was an accident! I'm packing up some fig newmans and running away from home!

To the rest of the readers, I apologize you're having to bear witness to all this guilty, shameful past.
keith waldbauer said…
Crap. Now I'm going to have to have Tang behind the bar. I wonder if I can pull a Jamie Boudreau/Eben Freeman/Dave Nelson and dehydrate some Cointreau. Eff it. T. Mixeur, how about a shot Jager!!!!
T. Mixeur said…
Dude! Jager and Tang together! Jagertang? Tangmeister?

Oh, and Shhh! Don't let out the secret that Cointreau is really just tang with booze added.
Anonymous said…
Keith, I'm going to hunt you down across the cocktailosphere to stop you and your Jagr fetish!
Death to Tangermeister!
That said, rummalemmotang sounds awesome. Those of us who reached "maturity" in the South used the alternative "Evergrape", which included the equivalent ingredients of Everclear and NuGrape.
Anonymous said…
Tang and Plymouth Sloe Gin -- Sacrilicious?